LXV

  Wail and scream and shout out loud

And tell the night how everything is just

               I CAN'T! I CANT! I CANT!

I can't get up tomorrow and do it all again

I can't start Tomorrow knowing I'll only be

      in pain

I dread the morning and I dread sleep too

  Because even at night I never

      Do what I'm supposed to

I can't shut my eyes or lie still as a statue

I can't pretend I'm dead as I drift off

      To dreamland

               I'm a spinning top rotating on my head

Or a chimpanzee gone completely mad

  I'm a whale too enormous for my bed

Or a pelican, with a mouth regurgi tating all

  I have ever said.

In the midsts of rants and terrible talks

  The only calming item within my thoughts

Is that of warm green tea, with leaves so pure

  Yet caffeinated, so I know I'll feel secure

Only with medicine do I terminate my day

It feels like I can't do anything on my own,

      anyway.

  I wonder if I'm still sad or finally healing?

Am I going up or down, I can·t tell

Maybe I've come to a standstill.

I wonder if I'll ever stop speaking, just

Get every single thought out

               Out. Out! OUT! GET OUTOut

of my head

From the trash bin and dumpster

Inside my brain

That's already much too full

Words and miscellaneous gossip

Too heavy to endure

Yell it out

Punch it out

Kick it to the moon

So I never have to hear it again

      And I'll forget it was ever said

               It was never there, for me

                              Sometimes, the best memory

                                             Is just forgetting

                              Everything you never

               Wanted to see

      In the first place.

If someone, one day, looks up

  And sees the stars with my

      words engraved in them, lost

               In the vastness of space,

  And realizes that

vulnerability and anger

Are normal human

insecurities,

Then maybe,

Approach me

Smile softly

But don't say a word

Because

I'm

Scared,

Yet,

I want

to be

h

e

a

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d